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Edgy Edgar

It’s basically everyone’s nightmare.

You’re strapped in and ready for a skitz day.

Walking into stereo like it ain’t no thing and then.. suddenly…

To set the scene. It was an innocent year of 2012. Can’t you just smell the early nostalgia already? The beautiful nondescript electro edging its way into ears of the teenage girl or boy, or more salaciously the early 20 somethings. We were all ready to listen.

Give me Guetta or go home. Let the bass kick and so on so forth. I was really highly strung up on seeing a coupe of acts that year. No not the man Tiesto himself (although, he was epic) but the other, Well let’s see, you had Dash Berlin and old mate Example. AND oh how I loved Major Lazer with their stupid poppy electro I could melt away into and think about the 3.5 boys I had a crush on. The point 5 is because I wasn’t sure if it was a crush or like just mixed signals but whatever, you find out soon enough right?

And but so, stereo. For some weird reason I had decided not to drink for 2 months prior leading up to this wonderful occasion. A freshie, lips parted and brain ready to be soaked in all types of freaky chemicals that day. It was myself, Dmitri, Shannon and Timothy. The awesome foursome, no one ever called us because that’s gay. Not in the like degrading kinda gay way just a really happy gay that we were not - we had a sinister edge to us, us 22 year old kids. You wouldn’t wanna steal our lollipop, if you know what I mean.

So Dmitri had the wise idea of going to the foodcourt at chinatown beforehand and loading up on MSG + carbs, which we all welcomed with a healthy attitude of excitement and apprehension. We brought our passion pops (oh don’t scuff, I know you stilll drink the occasional Cruiser so look in the mirror pal) and feasted on previously mentioned carbs and MSG. A recipe for NON disaster. Or so I thought…

We lazily make our way to the stadium, clad in bright festival colours and smiles galore. We were beaming and hadn’t even taken anything yet. Fukn kids, why were u so happy? Huh? What’s the big deal about stereo anyway I swear people would LIVE for this day. And I mean like countdown, 364 days type situation. I mean yeh it’s good but gimme a break.

Anyway we catch the train and make some friends along the way. Nothing past the usual like hello how are ya bullshit but it’s nice. Meeting people in excited frenzy is better than being a grouch on the train to a festival so we got some piccys taken with da bois (read not all participants of squad were bois this is the modern vernacular and signifies crew) and ensured this day was commemorated like FOREVA. This is before the days of snapchat (zomg) so like cool it with the judgment.

Stadium is pumpin’. It’s about like… I dunno… 3? 330? Cant remember was wassteeeed bro. For reals we get in no problem. And guess what I had bought EVERYONES tickets, like 4 tickets (don’t ask how I got the money that’s an article for another time homie) and so my mates followed me in like ducklings, quacking excitedly behind whilst I grinned my way into Homebush Olympic Park XXXX name of stadium.

Here’s where the fun part began. I thought I was being heaps surreptitious when we all decided to take our pills (NB pills, none of these caps bullshit. This was like HEY PAL< LET ME KNOCK UR TEETH out kinda vitamins ya feel me?) anyway so I thought I was this heaps cool fly chick, got in without batting an eyelid with 2, not one, but 2 pills cos I’m such a hardass, in her bra mind you without even a sniff (yeh pun intended obvs) and we were like… shiftily milling around the ENTRANCE. Not even inside the fukn festival with the crowd like outside the portaloos (again, why didn’t I just go in there IDIOT) but outside amongst allllllll the seccys walking around and what do I do?


I’ll tell ya.

I gave 2 poorly scouted looks to my left and right, reached my right hand into my left bra pad (wtf is even one half of a bra called who cares whatever) and fished out my little saddy with happy little faces on them and 2 little blue pills smiling up at me. I had time for one smiley inhale as I looked at my precious party pops when neck minute, I hear this “not on my watch” voice boom louder than any bass I was hearing from right the fuck behind me. By the time I half turned around this MAAASSSSIVVVVEEEE seccy chick was on me, with her hand clasped firmly over my saddy and wrestling me for my holy grail of sweet sweet MDMA and speed and whatever fuel these bikies put into the fukn things.

I had just completed a semester of criminal law and there was NO WAY I was giving up without a fight so naturally…. I tried to destroy the evidence. I’m wreaking havoc onto the stern community by screaming and kicking and yelping and groaning with this massive chick who weighs like 17 x more than me, my arm I swear to god fukn almost pops out of its socket I’m trying to not let go of my bag with those precious pills and SOMEHOW there’s a hole that’s made in the bag and one of them (the pills) jumps out for dear life and I see him hit the ground, hard and amongst our weird dance I go to crush him (it was for his own good). I don’t think chick seccy sees as she is struggling with me still and next thing I know my face and entire body is on the ground with 2 other seccys now helping the original gangsta pin me down.

I flail and squirm as expected, waterworks full throttle like I’m talking do you even sprinkler? I get lifted up by both elbows and now carried by 2 gentleman towards (oh god please no anything but) the police van which has alllll the testing equipment in it to determine my hardcore criminal status as a possessor of a specific compound of chemicals etc etc.

Well so, they shove me in these wannabe police officers and I can’t really remember cos the adrenaline was getting me heaps nauseous and I have a chat with the cops trying to absolve myselve saying it wasn’t mine etc. channeling shaggy didn’t really work for me so instead I decided to calm down and be cooperative… I don’t even know what was in the pills maybe someone sold me panadol? But no it came positive. LIKE POOOSITIVE I think exact reading was .2gm of MDMA bla bla blahhh. The officers, smug as shit start yapping about a court appearance notice and how likely it is that i’ll be charged and convicted with a record which of course scares the bajeesus out of me and I start to plead with them (in much vain).

Officers please, you gotta believe me I don’t even know someone just gave them to me!

Nods and smiles from the coppers. I get really shitted off cos my ankle is twisted too I can feel the fucker throbbing now I hadn’t realised amidst all the shenanigans thats it causally FUCKED like royally like whats her face Meghan Markle. Royally fucked.

So they tell me they are banning me from the stadium for 6 months. Yours truly gets pissed of cos like FUCK I got a Lady Gaga concert here coming up in like 4 months and these fuck boys are gonna stop me from seeing Gaga herself I DONT THINK SO so I retort with something smart a la wow 6 months that’ll show me. The blue healer he chuckles and just changes the 6 months to 12.

Great made it worse idiot stfu next time.

So they kick me out. They say go home Frodo, but not in so many nice words. I’m outside, wristband stripped away, my court appearance notice tightly secured in my bag (y tho?) and I’m bawling my eyes out to my bf who like.. didn’t wanna come to stereo? Weirdo. We broke up later but like anyway. So I’m crying, as you know no reception (or hardly ever) but I do manage to get though to Dmitri.

Where the f are yo?!?!

I got kicked out and arrested and charged and -

The sobs emanate via a semi triumphant retelll of the story. It’s been about 90 mins to 2 hours since the whole thing started. Dmitri is well off his head and says fuck it, you can do it man I believe in you, just get back in.

And you know what?

Get back in I did.

No fukn joke here’s the schtick.

When you go inside, skip all the normal looking people and find the weirdest cunts who look like you on the door. My case - asian chick with short hair and a dude who was massive with a buzz cut and glasses.

I run up to them puffed out on purpose and go hey, did you guys see a dude in green shorts walk in with a chick in a pink dress (nondescript but stereo, always go for some detail) and they go what are you laking about? So I go OMG I’m so sorry, I have all my friends tickets … and I whip out the saviour. The golden pony. The piece of paper (always go hard copy) which has the 4 printed names, including my name, on the ticket. “Guys I just went to get them, can I please please please go in I have lost them?”

They flash each other a look with smiles that could be mistaken for mini daggers and nod to themselves more than to me and go “yup we didn’t see any of this, “ fling a wristband at me and voila, just like that I’m muthafukn INSIDE the fukn place I just got banned from for 12 months.

Haha suckas, jokes on them. I would come to contravene my ban at least like another 3 times during the next 12 months.

Anyway tho, so now I’m limping, still kinda drunk, itching to find my mates and SOMEHOW Tiesto was looking over me that day my phone reception connects to Dmitri again and voila, we find each other. I could not tell you how happy I was finding them again.

And guess what.

One of them still had another pill for me so HA, got that into my system and danced around like a maniac.

Hilarious side note - we went back to the scene of the crime (why why did I do that my stupidity ladies and gents is insurmountably ludicrous here) and we found the crushed little pill and Tim who is a fun whack job but we all love him kinda scooped it up in little dabs of his pinky and mouth and got most of it out of the creases between the pavement. By this time it was dark, so no one was watching so it was cool.

Saw Major Lazer close and woefully went back home.

I was meant to work the next day (i worked at a fuck of hipster joint in Bondi beach which JUST opened and the owners called me crying asking me to work and I had to limp in with my Want to add a caption to this image? Click the Settings icon. foot and say I legit cant walk) so got out of that. Had the best morning.

Represented myself in court had an appearance but that will have to be another tale altogether.

All in all, better than your average charge for possession amirite?

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